Creating my own misery
Why? SRSLY WHY?
I’m obsessing today. I worry that the well will run dry and I won’t have anything left to write about. I miss my old life—traveling the country, making audiences laugh. I miss being funny.
Life is so serious right now, hubby’s cancer being no joke. I feel dull and dreary, doggedly slogging through my days. I worry about the future, about being alone and old. I don’t want to be old.
Wise self whispers, So you don’t want to be old?. Um, what’s the alternative?
Oh, hello, three sources of misery: 1. Not wanting what I have. 2. Wanting what I don’t have. 3. Not understanding how life works.
Three sources of misery. I have all three at the moment. I create my own misery when I resist what is.
Wise self reminds me, Acceptance is the key to ending your own misery. “Accept” as in “allow.” Allow as in “don’t have to like it, but let it be what it is.” Acceptance banishes the resistance.
What if I accept/allow that this is how life is right now? Allow the worry, the dull, the dreary, the dogged slogging. Accept/allow that I am exactly as old as God intended me to be, given the date of my birth.
What if I were kinder to myself? Everything that must be done, will be done. (Thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt. If she didn’t say it, she should have.)
And if it doesn’t get done, so what? The world will continue to turn, the universe will continue on its course. I do my thing, but it doesn’t matter. My writing may be fun, entertaining, or interesting. But the bottom line is my words are just the next words in an infinite stream of words which will continue long after I’ve stopped breathing.
This is the best news I’ve ever heard!
I can relax. I’m just a mystery writer, not a brain surgeon. Nobody’s life depends on whether Mackenzie Prentice figures out whodunnit! (Well, maybe hers does but that just makes things more interesting.)
I can just do the next thing and enjoy the moment—however many moments there will be.
I can hold my husband’s hand and enjoy the sunrise—be together for however many moments we have left.
I can end my own self-created misery any time I choose. Acceptance—allowing—is the key. Peace is available. Always. It’s one breath away.
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Mary, there is so much clarity in the way you see things. I wish you and your husband much more hand holding.
Oh, Mary Pierce, You are a brave woman! You can write about your difficult situation. I don't know what I can do in this situation, which will soon be in my family. Usually, the reading is my calming tool. I am always with a book. But holding your husband's hand is much, much better.